By Ofisil 12.02.2017
Oversized or ordinary, unrealistically jiggly or realistically animated, covered or bare, those beautiful mega-weapons called breasts (the female variety) have always fascinated the nerd world. Of course, all that glitters is not gold, and all that fills an enormous bra isn't a seal of quality; therefore, no, a great game boobies don't make. Sure, many titles that have featured some fine digital jugs were more than decent, but blame good ol' gameplay for that. Does the same happen with the newest member of this busty family called Bloody Boobs? Is it a great piece of fun that just happens to include breasts into the mix, or something that doesn't have anything more to give than those?
Oh, don't be shy. Tell mom that it's time for homework, then put those stealth skills to good use and lock the door as silently as possible… and then unlock it, because, despite the +18 on the cover, this is not porn. The character creation dialogue makes it possible to increase breast size from "Meh…" to "Thank you Jeebus!!!" and the girl protagonist can either wear a skimpy bikini or an S&M outfit, but this is more funny than sexy. It's the Goat Simulator of adult games… or at least it tries to be so.
Bloody Boobs supposedly pays homage to those B-movie (B for boobs?) horror flicks of the past, where the scariest thing on offer was the size of the heroine's melons; therefore, it shouldn't be taken too seriously. The problem, though, is that it takes itself too serious, because, other than the bouncy tatas, the first-person point-of-view cleavage, or the fact that the goal is to worship four penis-shaped statues to complete the "adventure," this is an otherwise humourless and extremely simplistic chase game.
Taking place in a relatively fine-looking dark dungeon, the unfortunate protagonist must search all over the place for four statues, which will help her open a portal in the main hall; a portal that will guide her… to the Playboy mansion, or something. The only obstacle? Two kinds of monsters that possibly live on silicon-enhanced breasts. The length of this adventure? About 10 minutes. Oh, and it's not 10 minutes per session, but 10 minutes and that is it. There is really no reason to replay this ever again.
For starters, the monsters don't really add a layer of challenge or strategy. Whenever an enemy sees the main character, a "scary" tune will start playing, forcing her to run away. When will the beast stop the chase? Pretty soon, as the only thing that's required is to just stay out of sight. There are some bombs that can be placed around the place, sure, but they are pretty useless, as monsters must step on the precise pixel they were placed on, and running away seems to be the better choice.
No, really… That's all there is to it! Bloody Boobs is an avoid-the-monster quest, where the goal is to worship four stone phalluses, and then enter a portal. It sounds enjoyably ridiculous in text, but it feels more incomplete than silly. The dungeon is supposed to be randomly generated; however, apart from a tiny amount of changes, every playthrough is identical, and, as mentioned before, there is not much to do here.
"A game with such a name can't be good," some of you may think, but no, the name and theme is not the problem, the gameplay (or lack thereof) is. A perfect example? Haydee! This also came from Mother Russia, and thus was not afraid to turn the boob dial to 11, but it's also a fantastic, well-thought video game that actually fused mechanics from industry giants such as Metroid, Tomb Raider, and Silent Hill - and all this with twice the boobage, not to mention some sexy ample behinds to keep players… motivated.
If the non-existent gameplay hasn't made it pretty clear that this is shovelware, the quality of it all will certainly do so. Besides the occasional funny English (bautiful?), this needed to spend more time in the oven. It's not broken or anything, but the buggy menus combined with the severe lack of settings definitely makes it look even more unprofessional… which is a shame, because, despite the silliness of it all, there are definitely some specks of effort here. Too bad the developer chose to release this in its alpha state and make some quick buck out of it.
Boobs are wonderful, but only when served as an appetiser, a dessert, or a side dish, because, as a main meal, they are not as fulfilling as they look. Long story short, Bloody Boobs is a worthless attempt at selling something that has nothing else to give than a well-endowed lass. Even worse? It. Needs. More. Boobs!