The Procession to Calvary (PC) Review

By Athanasios 29.04.2020

Review for The Procession to Calvary on PC

The term 'Pythonesque' is the perfect way to describe Joe Richardon's Four Last Things, where renaissance paintings mingled with the wacky humour of the Monty Pythons, all served along some solid point-and-click adventuring. The Procession to Calvary is pretty much the same deal all over again, and that's great - especially since you can now decapitate blokes, like the good medieval bird that you are. Before that, however, you need to find Heavenly Peter, and put a stop to his tyranny… or something like that. Who cares, really? Just kill him, so you can keep on murdering even more people.

This begins with the heroine slaying a bunch of twits. Happily. Very much so, in fact. She is quite good at it too! Trouble is, the Holy War is over, and any further slaying of twits and the like is strictly forbidden. Wait a tick, though. Maybe this brand new ruler of this realm, the so-called 'Immortal John,' can help her out with this pickle. It seems that John, an otherwise benevolent leader (if she is to believe him, that is), didn't like how Heavenly Peter, the previous chap who used to run the show, escaped their grasp. That's all this noble lady needs! Seconds after John simply suggests (sort off) killing Heavenly Peter, she begins running towards her new, unfortunate target.

Screenshot for The Procession to Calvary on PC

Note that this ugly, ugly, ugly protagonist, is Rembrandt's Bellona. In fact, everything here has "jumped out" of a renaissance painting. The result of that unique art style is a world that's filled with an incredible variety of lush scenes, which are all beautiful, and extremely surreal at the same time - as if the original pieces weren't surreal enough. This bizarre medieval vibe gets enhanced by tenfold from the 17th century music that bops along, especially since the one(s) performing each symphony, suite, or concerto, is right there in the background, which adds to the "alien" feel of it all.

Moreover, this has a sense of humour that those who are into British comedy with a knack for the weird, the satirical, and the unexpected, will definitely adore. You'll meet a lady who sells T-Shirts, amongst constantly screaming, crucified people; you'll exchange jewellery with the emo/I-need-to-find-myself version of Johannes Vermeer's Girl with a pearl Earring; marvel at God breaking the fourth wall; ask help from a magician who has an uncanny similarity to a certain holy person; be handed more fart and butt jokes than you know you wanted; and many, many, unbelievably many more.

Screenshot for The Procession to Calvary on PC

The one that takes the biscuit is the marvellously sick, psychotic heroine, who will do anything to reach her goal, and be an arse to everyone while at it. She'll even kidnap a 'Young Boy with a supple butt,' as bribe for a priest. Yup, this has a very idiosyncratic flavour of humour, where, like with the comedy of the Pythons, the genius of it all is hidden under a thick layer of "unsophisticated" jokes. This can also be particularly violent and somewhat "offensive" at times. This critic loved everything about it, but it's easy to see how some won't. Well, their loss. This is quirky British comedy in video game form.

This emphasis in the funny aspect of it all, is simply due to how this is the main dish. Gameplay-wise this is your standard point-and-click adventure. Fun, but potential buyers should not come in for that. The pleasure here is to interact with the world, and listen to what the people have to say. Even when the solution to something is obvious, you are advised to keep poking around, exhausting every single dialogue option available. Take the 'Slap' move, for example. It has no practical use, but it contributes to the playful nature of the whole thing - and is consistent with the character of the fun-to-be-around heroine.

Screenshot for The Procession to Calvary on PC

Strictly judging this as a video game, it's a pretty enjoyable one. It doesn't avoid some of the genre's common issues, like the occasional annoying puzzle, but it generally strikes a great balance between being challenging yet logical, and requiring some out-of-the-box thinking. There won't be any need for a walkthrough, however, even if some puzzles do follow their own internal logic. Then again, if everything fails, you can simply unsheathe your sword, and kill whoever is standing in your way, which, of course, changes the ending - without that meaning that you should not try that out too.

Reaching all three endings is the only form of replayability, and due to the journey taking just a little over three hours, most will soon see everything there is to see. In fact, you don't even need to replay the game to watch them all. If there's a "serious" flaw here, that's the pacing. While most "chapters" don't overstay their welcome, the last one is a very long fetch quest. It's not that it's bad or anything, but it will make you feel as if there's no actual progress, since you'll be running around the same couple of areas for more than an hour. Fortunately, even with that issue, this remains a high recommendation.

Screenshot for The Procession to Calvary on PC

Cubed3 Rating

Rated 8 out of 10

Great - Silver Award

Rated 8 out of 10

The surreal atmosphere of renaissance art, finds its unlikely partner in the unconventional comedy style of the Monty Pythons, and the result is… different. Gameplay-wise, this doesn't reinvent the wheel. Far from it. While very well-made and enjoyable, this is just another point-and-click adventure game - but it doesn't matter, because it's not the gameplay the thing about which you should definitely give The Procession of Calvary a go.


Joe Richardson



C3 Score

Rated $score out of 10  8/10

Reader Score

Rated $score out of 10  0 (0 Votes)

European release date Out now   North America release date Out now   Japan release date Out now   Australian release date Out now   


Comments are currently disabled

Subscribe to this topic Subscribe to this topic

If you are a registered member and logged in, you can also subscribe to topics by email.
Sign up today for blogs, games collections, reader reviews and much more
Site Feed
Who's Online?

There are 1 members online at the moment.