Conan Review

The most well-known, enduring and influential pieces of art are those that have something to say, are multi-layered and can thus be interpreted in a variety of different ways. In the world of fantasy, The Lord of the Rings and Dune can be considered such works of high art…but there’s something equally beautiful in mind-numbing simplicity. Enter Conan the Barbarian, the many stories of whom are usually more easily digestible and go straight to the point. 2007’s Conan was, in a way, the quintessential Conan experience. Clearly an attempt at offering gamers a Hyborian God of War, the story, following the titular protagonist on a search for his lost armour, is nothing more than an excuse to brutally kill enemies in a variety of locales, which feel like they came straight from a Robert E. Howard novel.

The dialogue sequences offer what is to be expected from such a title; the faux-Shakespearean, tough-guy banter between Conan and the rest of the cast is pleasantly corny yet rarely gets ridiculous – and to be frank, it doesn’t matter when it does, because it embraces the cheese with both hands. Saving a female slave from her captors is far from realistic. Rather than a malnourished, terrified creature, a woman saved by Conan is a beauty with lots of meat in the right places, and behaves in a sexual, provocative way. “Oh, where are my clothes? *giggles*” It’s as if she plays a role in a movie from the mom and dad section. Conan caters to the 15-year-old inside every gamer. It unapologetically focuses on blood, then some more blood, and sprinkles it all with some boobs. It is stupid, barbaric fun, and it’s awesome. What about the game itself, though?

Maps are straighter that a Super Mario Bros. level. Each time a fork in the road appears, it’s certain that one path leads to some sort of treasure (usually in the form of more experience points or health), with the other one being the “correct” one, as it leads Conan closer to the end of the stage. Gameplay takes many a page from God of War as it tries to offer a bit of adventuring right next to the combat. This means that there’s the occasional light platforming and puzzle solving, traps that must be avoided, obstacles that need to be destroyed, and occasionally a hidden treasure chest (again, for more EXP or HP). Unlike God of War, however, Conan is fully aware that this isn’t what most expect from it, so it keeps the adventuring to a minimum.

Yes, this is all about going from A to B and killing everything that stands in Conan’s way. The reward for fighting, beyond experience points, is seeing heads fly off, arms and legs being cut, and intestines being ripped out. This revolves around using combos (most of which must be purchased by using gathered EXP), the variety of which puts Kratos to shame, as Conan has like five times the number of ways that he can inflict pain. Always remember that blocking is like half the deal here – parrying is even more important. It’s somewhat hard to correctly time, but it’s particularly satisfying when it happens, as it creates a brief opportunity where Conan can push the right button in time and follow up with a brutal finisher.

An interesting feature is the ability to pick up any weapons that enemies drop when they leave this cruel world. Essentially Conan can use a single sword, a sword and shield combo, a dual-wield for fast but weak attacks, or two-handed weapons that are slower but more powerful. The action can get a bit stale as you are basically fighting the same few goons over and over, and this manages to spice things up, while also adding a thin tactical layer, since each style has its uses on the battlefield, as well as its own unique combos that can be bought – which, mercifully enough, are all easy to learn, as they are usually of the “press Square four times” variety.

Continuing with being heavily influenced by God of War, there’s a handful of magic attacks, such as a Medusa-like spell *cough*rip-off*cough* that turns enemies into stone, or the ability to summon a flock of ravens that deal damage to foes. Conan even incorporates a couple of quick-time event sequences during boss battles, during which the barbarian must also take a look at his surroundings and discover which parts of the environment he must manipulate to finish off, say, the dragon that stands in his way to coin, cleavage, and cheese. Nothing you haven’t seen before, but it’s something that helps one stomach the repetitive nature of combat.

Is Conan a classic? Far from it. This is a simple hack ‘n’ slash experience that pays tribute to its pulpy source material. It is mostly targeted at those who are fans of the character and/or want something that will help them shut off their brain for a handful of hours, and help a ferocious warrior brave a low fantasy world made out of the clashing of steel, spilled gore, black sorcery, and fair busty maidens. It’s not the most polished of action games, but that rarely gets between you and your fun. Even the hit and miss, rough-around-the-edges visuals are more than acceptable, mainly because they try to imitate the look of a Frank Frazetta or Boris Vallejo illustration, with the impressive intro shots of most levels nailing the look.